Connections, Conversations, and Community

I hate being alone. Don't get me wrong, I am a person who needs my personal space, time away from others, nor does it refer to my desire to be in a relationship. There has been for a long time this deep yearning in my life to be in community. To be amongst others living together, in the daily life trying to figure out what following God is all about. I love hanging out with people, talking about what really matters in life, and about what is going on in the ends and outs of everyday. Yet, I have found that grad school, seminary even is not very conductive to those things. I still haven't figured out what it is that makes it that way. If it is the amount of work, the lifestyles of those I am in school with, or if it is me in some way. And these feelings have hit me the hardest during reading weeks, where I find myself sitting in my apartment by my self, while everyone is in their own doing the same.

Loneliness to some degree is something I think I will always struggle with, because of who I am and where I have been. As much as I am on my own now I don't like doing everything by myself. I have a deep need of feeling connected. That I am a part of a body of people, who are also running the same race that I am. I remember distinctly earlier this semester a trip I took to a local church by myself. When I drove away after the service I spent the whole travel time to my apartment in tears. Crying because I have never felt more alone in my life than that moment. I cried knowing, that we are not designed to go at life alone, yet our culture, our education systems, and our lives are built upon the need for independence. I am as independent as it comes, but I know I need others to survive We are taught to go at it alone, even our modes of communication have hindered the way we talk to each other. Text messaging, aim, and facebook have often replaced face to face conversations. Those times I sat in coffee shops, under the stars, or riding in cars just talking, I miss deeply. Overall, I guess it is the longing within my life for community. It is my passion, my calling, my hope, but it is also what most alludes me and has alluded me this year. So as I sit pondering on my deck about life, I find myself longing for connections, for conversations, and for community.

To begin again...

I used to blog a lot, randomly writing down my thoughts for the world to see. Then I stopped. Due to a mix of lack of inspiration and no time, I hung up my blogging hat for awhile. There has little appeal for me to pour out my thoughts onto this website for any one to see. But I miss the therapeutic nature that writing is for me. So here I am giving it a second try. I need a space all my own to digest all the randomness that floats through this INFJ's head. I miss writing for writings sake, so here I am writing again the thoughts that come to me along this journey called life.