Fall and other things

Autumn is my favorite season. The cooling temperatures, the smell of the leaves, as well as their wonderful transformation in color, with a hot mug of tea or coffee, makes for a lovely day. Their is something about this season that is whimsical and also melencoly. Something that awakens me and something that makes me ponder. In the midst of a crazy schedule I can take some time out to stroll along and let my mind wonder as I soak up my surroundings. Wonder about life, what is next, who I am, and the ins and outs of the everyday where everything seems mondane, but is filled with meaning.
So in fall I remember the change in me and the continual transformation I am undergoing. I am not the same as I once was, nor will I be the same tomorrow as I am today. Each moment, each passing second of time makes me older, and hopefully wiser as I become more aware of the mysteriousness of life, love, and the world I inhabit. As I grasp more, more of it is fleeting. As I hope more, my heart grows in hopeless longing. It is a tension between gaining and loosing, dynamic and static, between assurance and doubt.
So, with every fall I sit and I wonder as I ponder the change in me. Is it for the better or is it for naught? I can only hope that it is for good.

Tired and weary

With no consistency to the madness I find myself posting two months since the last one. Not a lot to be said or to reveal except that I am tired and weary. So much wears on a person that is both able to be pinpointed and also by many factors that seem to remain aloof. Alas, it all weighs the same, and weighs heavy. I don't know if I have ever felt this way entirely before. Sure I have been tired before and even burdened, but to the point where I feel like I have nothing left and am on the verge of being so frustrated I am going to just pop. No not quite, close but never this close. So I sit here and I wonder how I have arrived to this point. Is it because I have tried so hard to do everything on my own over the past year? Is it the number of changes and transitions? Is it changing life, changing views, newness and the like? Is it because I am continually carrying the burdens of the past and of the future?
Questions never easily answered for me. I am looking for rest, but coming up empty not knowing where to turn or what to expect. All I know is I am at the end of myself. I need this sabbath, to recoup and hopefully be rejuvenated.

Back Home...

There are places in my life that have become very familiar and home-like. Of course the town I grew up and my parent's house always makes me feel as though I have arrived home. The town where I went to Undergrad, and where my sister lives and even Atlanta is beginning to feel a little more like home with every passing day that I am there. On that list is CP. The people, the town, and the ministry have all become like home to me. The faces, the places, and the feeling I get when I walk through the door of the office or the staff cabin and see those people who have joined with me in the ministry for these three months. I love feeling like I have found the place I belong, at least for this time in my life where transitions have been the name of the game.
Change is never easy or painless, as I have said before, and this summer is no exception to that. This home is different these days. Familiar faces I expect to see as I walk through the door of the office are no longer present. There is a void here this summer. Something that we all are getting used to, and one that I don't think will ever be filled. So being back home for this summer is bittersweet. Though the ministry I love is much the same, there is a piece missing. Though, there is a strange peace about it all. Though anxiety and questions are a part of the beginning of the summer, I feel as though everything will be alright. God has brought the right people here, for such a time as this. People who are just as passionate as I about this place, these people, and this ministry. Things will be different, no doubt, but God will work as always.
I think this summer will be good, and one that I desperately need to experience. I have felt as though I have lost touch with my passions and the things I love so much over the past year. Things need to be reawakened in my life, and I feel as though it is going to happen this summer.

fun and work

Sometimes in life we need to cut back and have fun. As a child, life was a good balance of fun and work. You would have the average school days filled with learning, papers, tests, worksheets and the like, but there was also sufficient time for play. For me, it was playing a lot of sports like whiffleball, basketball, and the like with the other kids in the neighborhood. I always worked hard in anticipation for the enjoyment I would feel as I was running around, laughing, and playing with others. There was a sense of accomplishment and freedom that was natural to that lifestyle of balance, were I could be both a successful student and faithful friend.

As time has progressed and responsibilities abound, the balance of work and fun seems a little one sided. With the volume of stuff to be accomplished (especially at the end of the semester) and a lot hinging on performance, time for fun is a little lacking. But I realized, for myself at least, the necessity to give myself the space to be free and to have fun. Whether that is manifested in taking a break to play Rockband, old school Nintendo, watch a movie, catch dinner with a friend, talk on aim, or frolicing outside (and I do mean frolicing!), all have a way of rejuvenating our spirits. We need the energy and joy that is found in the fun times in our lives, to help get us through the times of monotony or the daily routine.

I hope that I always remember the joy of cutting back and letting myself enjoy the fun that life has in store, even if opportunities for it are less than before.

live, laugh, love

Life is interesting. I think that is something that I say frequently. No matter how often I try to figure things out, the more confusing it gets. So why do I try? Because it is my nature. There is something deep inside me that yearns to figure the game out. To know all the rules, to get ahead, and to learn all the tricks of the trade. That way I can be prepared for whatever comes in my way. Nothing like being prepared to face it all, to conquer every circumstance, and never feel defeated. Yet when I ponder what life would be like if success was always on my horizon, if everything went my way, or I got whatever was best and most pleasing, I think life would be too boring.
Goodbyes, failures, sadness, suffering, frustrations, and disappointments are all a part of this life. Its not to say that we should allow them to come and not try to life live in a way that brings us or others happiness, but I think it is a mistake to try and to avoid those things at all cost. What is life if we don't take chances? What is life if we do not risk failure in order to do something we never expected? I don't think we can always play it safe, we have to take chances, we have to step outside of our box so that we can experience life far beyond what our confined experiences can show us.
We need to live a little, laugh a lot, and love even more. What if our hearts overflowed with great affection and joy? If we didn't hold back pieces of ourselves but were vulnerable with those we love most? What if we actually lived our lives like we we knew that we we loved by the One who is love? Opening our lives up to these possibilities, to these truths can only be s source of transformation and for hope. Idealistic? maybe I am, but I know that we can hope for life and a world that rises above oppression, disaster, and distress to become a people and a world the flourishes in hope and peace. but only when we can ground ourselves in the love and truth that is bigger than ourselves. And one that prefers to choose the weak to confound the wise, to use to outcasts to deliver messages of truth, and the children to speak words that can rock the very foundations of the earth. It is a power far beyond ourselves. with that hope we can learn to live, to laugh, and to love to a greater capacity than we thought possible. And that is a beautiful thing.

Connections, Conversations, and Community

I hate being alone. Don't get me wrong, I am a person who needs my personal space, time away from others, nor does it refer to my desire to be in a relationship. There has been for a long time this deep yearning in my life to be in community. To be amongst others living together, in the daily life trying to figure out what following God is all about. I love hanging out with people, talking about what really matters in life, and about what is going on in the ends and outs of everyday. Yet, I have found that grad school, seminary even is not very conductive to those things. I still haven't figured out what it is that makes it that way. If it is the amount of work, the lifestyles of those I am in school with, or if it is me in some way. And these feelings have hit me the hardest during reading weeks, where I find myself sitting in my apartment by my self, while everyone is in their own doing the same.

Loneliness to some degree is something I think I will always struggle with, because of who I am and where I have been. As much as I am on my own now I don't like doing everything by myself. I have a deep need of feeling connected. That I am a part of a body of people, who are also running the same race that I am. I remember distinctly earlier this semester a trip I took to a local church by myself. When I drove away after the service I spent the whole travel time to my apartment in tears. Crying because I have never felt more alone in my life than that moment. I cried knowing, that we are not designed to go at life alone, yet our culture, our education systems, and our lives are built upon the need for independence. I am as independent as it comes, but I know I need others to survive We are taught to go at it alone, even our modes of communication have hindered the way we talk to each other. Text messaging, aim, and facebook have often replaced face to face conversations. Those times I sat in coffee shops, under the stars, or riding in cars just talking, I miss deeply. Overall, I guess it is the longing within my life for community. It is my passion, my calling, my hope, but it is also what most alludes me and has alluded me this year. So as I sit pondering on my deck about life, I find myself longing for connections, for conversations, and for community.

To begin again...

I used to blog a lot, randomly writing down my thoughts for the world to see. Then I stopped. Due to a mix of lack of inspiration and no time, I hung up my blogging hat for awhile. There has little appeal for me to pour out my thoughts onto this website for any one to see. But I miss the therapeutic nature that writing is for me. So here I am giving it a second try. I need a space all my own to digest all the randomness that floats through this INFJ's head. I miss writing for writings sake, so here I am writing again the thoughts that come to me along this journey called life.